WHAT WAS ALL THE FUSS ABOUT // ITS A GIRL // MUMMY LIFE

Well, if you follow me on Instagram you may have already seen my post that we found out the gender of our 3rd child. ITS A GIRL!

Scan back to 2 months ago, I was an emotional wreck. I won't lie. But why?

Well I had fallen for an online scam, with a company claiming to provide you with the gender of your baby at just 12 weeks gestation - 4-5 weeks earlier than your traditional gender scan. With just a prick of blood from your finger at 10 weeks and a 2 week wait from the labratory, the results were to arrive at your doorstep for a small cost of 100 or so euros. I didn't open the email when it arrived. In fact I was slightly disappointed that it was an email, and the feeling of panic when I saw it pop up in my inbox was indescribable. For 100 euros you would think that they would send a letter in the post at least but I guess with customer privacy and all that. But  I was still too scared to open it, even though somehow an email made it seem far less important. So I waited. Waited until I felt like it was the right time.

That week I was in the supermarket with my 2 very loud but sweet boys who were actually for once being rather well behaved when an older lady started chatting to me in the checkout queue. She said 'Wow what delightful boys you have, but looks like you have your hands full!' While I am trying to balance O in one arm who has a firm grip of my hair and thumb in mouth, and H throwing every conceivable shopping item down onto the conveyor belt with some brutal force of a superhero. '
'Ahh yes I have my hands full I guess, but will be even busier in December when their brother or sister arrives.' ( Don't even know why I told her I was pregnant, I guess when she seemed approachable, we had some banter going on, and I needed some sort of distraction from losing my shit with H).

 Her immediate response was: ' Do you know what you are having?' I replied, well no, not yet 'Oh, dear, well heres to hoping its a little girl ' Girls are so precious especially after your two boys to look after her. I have 3 granddaughters and I couldn't imagine what it would be like to look after 3 grandsons.'
There I was, watching H's facial expressions like a hawk, wondering whether a comment like that would have any effect on him at all. To be fair, I am not really sure it did, he was completely oblivious. It could have gotten him really upset, like as if being a boy wasn't as desirable as being a girl in the eyes of an adult.


Why was I so emotional about the potential sex of my child? Why did it matter so much? Isn't a child regardless of sex a blessing? Why did so many people care about what I was having? Did they look at me in pity walking through the supermarket with my 2 boys? Did they feel like everyone should have at least one of each sex? Is that what constitutes a perfect family? Surely it's not what gender your children are? What is all the fuss about? So what if someone has 3 boys? or 3 girls?  Does that make them any less of a perfect family? Is that a reason to feel sorry for them? Does this non-equilibrium suggest that they are unfortunate in some way?


None the less, in the lead up to the scan it was an emotional time.All these questions were running through my head. Do I open the email? Do I wait until the scan?  Do I try and convince myself that a 3rd boy would be a perfect addition to the family? Do I try and block out the fact that I desperately wanted a girl and that there was a very high chance that it was a boy? Should I be feeling ashamed about having these feelings? What was all the fuss about having a girl anyways? And where did these feelings all come from? For gods sake woman!  just open the email.


I  want to get things straight. I love my 2 boys, I wouldn't change them for the world. I was glad when O was a boy. Sure, there was maybe a slight initial disappointment that I couldn't go wild on linen smock dresses and pretty mary-jane sandals and floral wallpaper. BUT that was it. It was purely a materialistic disappointment of having to pull out the old boys clothes again, nothing else. And after that initial disappointment, really I was rather pleased that H had a younger brother to rough and tumble with and go to football practice with and that I knew they would have a bond like no other and that 2 boys would really be rather sweet.


Plus, there was always the possibility of a third child so I wasn't exactly missing out on having a daughter just yet. But I knew that deep down there would be even more pressure to have a girl third time round.. I knew that three children could very well be the magic number for us as a family and well I didn't want to miss out on knowing what it was like to have a little girl.

So when I became pregnant with my third, I would have liked to say that it didn't matter what the sex was, but deep down I knew there was a lot of built up emotion and pressure to have a girl. With a husband who is one of 3 boys, a father in law who is one of 4 boys, I knew my chances were pretty slim. None the less, I had hope... A teeny inkling of hope mixed with a rather large side of ("I am gonna pretend like I don't really care and convince myself I want a boy so that I won't feel any disappointment")

Fast forward to the NT Scan at 13 weeks. I just knew it was a girl. Deep down I had a mothers instinct it was a girl. I pulled my mother-in-law into the sonographer's appointment with me for moral support. She had no idea what she was looking at. The sonographer insisted she wasn't allowed to get a nub shot, and that it was too early to tell the gender. Baby looked healthy, well and was slightly on the larger side apparently so she put my due date forward by 10 days... I was ecstatic. H and O were gonna be getting a baby brother or sister and he or she was healthy, big and thriving and would hopefully arrive in time for Christmas.

But I was still a wreck. Obsessed over the scan image like some sort of deranged woman. 2 weeks letter I confessed to my husband that I was gonna open the email. That day - I remember it so clearly.


The letter said I was having a boy. Now this is where I really won't lie to you. I cried. Not for long. Maybe a few hours. But they were genuine tears of disappointment. Like I had let everyone down. That the Saul family would be without a girl and that my mother in law for now would not be getting a granddaughter to buy pink clothes for. That I would never know what it was like to have a daughter, and that my wedding dress would sit unloved in the attic for years and years . Until perhaps my son's found a wife that would even consider using a piece of the lace for their first borns christening outfit.

I then all of a sudden snapped out of it, pulled myself together. Convinced myself that it was fate and that I have a healthy baby on the way and thats all that matters. We were gonna have a wonderful family together and my boys would look after us and grow up to be successful, kind and strong and they would have a bond like no other. I looked at how wonderful the bond is between Will and his brothers and thought this is gonna be just fine. In fact it's gonna be great, besides I had no idea how to do french braids or fancy ponytails.
 Deep down I still had this strange feeling it was a girl. I didn't tell anyone that. Other than my doctor. Who I rang in a complete state and asked for her opinion. She convinced me to not take any notice of this email. That it was all a complete scam and that I should wait for my 20 week scan.

I couldn't wait and booked a scan at 16 weeks exactly.  Lo and behold after all this fuss. The first thing she said was - well darling that is definitely not a boy and she very much has a vagina.
I cried and cried throughout the entire scan. Like I had been cheated again. Dare I say I was happy but also disappointed. Disappointed that I had spent so long dreaming up about boys names, and wondering what kind of little boy he was gonna grow up to be. AND NOW HE WAS A SHE.

The first thing I did was rush to Gap and buy every cute piece of girls baby clothing. Phew that felt good. I had waited years to do that.

And now here I am, 28 weeks pregnant and expecting our little girl, watching my 2 boys actually play delightfully together with their lego and thinking to myself that there was just too much fuss. Too much pressure on mums to have a particular gender. Too much emotion on something that is so insignificant. Children are a blessing no matter what sex they are. But also that the desire to have a particular gender is nothing to be ashamed of. That its okay to want what we don't have. And that it's okay to be happy with what we have.










1 comments:

  1. Too many emotions went through, but I know you are happy now, no matter the sex of your child.
    Congratulation you have a little princess, everything is okay.
    I will be here wait to see your lovely princess.
    God bless you all.

    ReplyDelete


 

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LIFESTYLE BLOG FOUNDED BY MUM OF TWO BOYS AND FREELANCE STYLIST CHRISTABEL SAUL. A MUMMY'S GUIDE TO STYLE, DIY, TRAVEL AND DESIGN AND THE JOYS OF BEING A MOTHER TO TWO BOYS. FIND POSTS ON UPCYCLING PROJECTS // INTERIOR INSPIRATION // FASHION EDITORIALS // OUTFITS // HEALTHY RECIPES // DIY PROJECTS AND MORE. FIND OUT WHY HER HUSBAND CALLS HER A HOARDER.
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